Friday, October 24, 2014

I'm Afraid to Grow Up (But I'm Doing it Anyways)

It's a cold October Friday afternoon. I'm lying in bed, Christmas lights twinkling around my room, candles lit, and of course Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm in my happy place. Besides the fact I'm fighting off a killer cold. And I'm having a panic attack about growing up.

This all started because I had to go to the doctors and get medicine so I would feel better. Being the broke college kid that I am, I had no money in my account so I had to call my mom and ask for some. After a little arguing and a lot of begging, I had money in my account. But then I started thinking, someday, I'm not going to be able to rely on my mom for money if I run out. Someday, I'm going to be in my mom's place and my kids are going to call me from college begging for me to give them money. I then came to the realization that I am absolutely horrified to grow up.

So far, growing up has brought a lot of positives, and a lot of negatives. Physically, I feel like I'm a reverse ugly duckling who learned about the Freshman 15 the hard way. Emotionally, I am stronger than ever, besides the occasional breakdown about classes or presentations. Mentally, theres a lot of stuff going on. Not like, crazy stuff, just a lot of connecting the dots. Slowly realizing that my 100-level psychology class relates to my 400-level management class.

Thinking about where I am going to be in one year, let alone ten years, scares the crap out of me. I don't even know what I am doing next weekend for Halloween, how am I supposed to figure out where I am going to live, work, start my family, etc.? Like, will I be married in five years? The idea that I'm at the age where I can get married and people can't judge me sketches me out.

Even though I'm absolutely horrified, I'm growing up anyways. Well obviously you're growing up, Kaitlyn. Not like you can control age. Yes I know, internal thoughts. Though it would be killer to be Father Time, I meant that I'm not fighting growing up.

Growing up is such a scary, yet wonderful thing. I'm learning so much about myself and life all while being freaked out during the journey. As my friend Tarah always says, "Trust the journey." So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to trust the journey. I'm so scared, but it's for a reason. In the end, I know I will be successful and live a happy life. The journey to get there might be full of some ups and downs, but I guarantee that I am going to learn something new every step of the way.

It's okay that I don't know where I am going to live in six months, even though I should probably get on that. It's okay that sometimes I still have to ask my mom for money, as long as at the end of the day I am thankful for it and she knows it. It's okay that I have no idea where I am going to work because I am figuring it out one day at a time. And, it's okay that I'm afraid to grow up, because I am doing it anyways.

Until Next Time,


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